A reader commented off line, asking about the framework within Judaism for children to grieve.
The tradition does not hold children (those younger than bar/bat mitzvah age) responsible for observing the mitzvot surrounding the mourning process. Of course children often participate along with adults, attending the funeral (if they are of an appropriate age and it is emotionally appropriate), being at the shiva home, etc.
It is also important for children to have meaningful ways to express their own grief. I try to see if they have questions, and provide answers at the appropriate level. Often times, children will ask questions to their parents, and those get passed along to me as the rabbi. Developmentally, children have varying capacities to understand death. Young children, for example, wonder how the person can "breathe" if they are in a coffin in the earth. Slightly older children may still have trouble understanding the permanent nature of death, and may persist in asking when their loved one will come back.
Of course, children are most concerned when they hear of someone who died, wondering if a parent or other loved one could die too. It's important to speak the truth, but in a way that is appropriate for each age. For example, when a relatively young person dies (say someone the same age as the child's parents, or a friend at school), I remind young children that while this does happen, it is very unusual. While no one can make promises, we should go forward without expecting that something terrible will happen, since almost always everyone stays fine.
There are some very good books available for helping to explain death. One I particularly like to use is by Rabbi Mindy Portnoy called "Where do People Go When They Die?"
There is certainly much more to say about this topic, and I'd invite others to share their thoughts and questions.
Jacob
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Organ Donation
The booklet on bereavement didn't really discuss organ donation, but it's also an excellent question. A good teshuvah (rabbinic response) from our movement's Committee on Jewish Law and Standards on this topic is by Rabbi Joseph Prouser:
http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/teshuvot/docs/19912000/prouser_chesed.pdf
Rabbi Prouser's conclusion is that organ donation, particularly for vital organs for which there is now a substantial rate of success for transplant surgery, constitutes "pikuah nefesh" -- saving a life -- and therefore would override any other Jewish legal or ethical concerns. An interesting question he raises is whether, in fact, organ donation is an "option," or is, in fact, a requirement if the conditions under which a person dies make it a possibility. He feels that, in fact, we should consider organ donation of vital organs, and for corneas, to be an "obligation." Certain other types of donation, such as skin for skin grafts, are permissible but not obligatory.
This is a matter that each of us should consider quite seriously, and we should make our wishes known to loved ones, and in medical directives. In Maryland it is also possible to indicate on a drivers' license that one would like to be a donor, and I would encourage members of our community to do so.
More soon!
Jacob
http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/teshuvot/docs/19912000/prouser_chesed.pdf
Rabbi Prouser's conclusion is that organ donation, particularly for vital organs for which there is now a substantial rate of success for transplant surgery, constitutes "pikuah nefesh" -- saving a life -- and therefore would override any other Jewish legal or ethical concerns. An interesting question he raises is whether, in fact, organ donation is an "option," or is, in fact, a requirement if the conditions under which a person dies make it a possibility. He feels that, in fact, we should consider organ donation of vital organs, and for corneas, to be an "obligation." Certain other types of donation, such as skin for skin grafts, are permissible but not obligatory.
This is a matter that each of us should consider quite seriously, and we should make our wishes known to loved ones, and in medical directives. In Maryland it is also possible to indicate on a drivers' license that one would like to be a donor, and I would encourage members of our community to do so.
More soon!
Jacob
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Cremation
Our blogger community is growing! Welcome to our new "followers" of this blog, as well as those who are just casually reading. And thanks to those who posted comments as well!
Comments included questions about Cremation and also about Organ Donation. I'll address cremation briefly today, and then talk about organ donation in a post tomorrow.
A good summary about cremation's status in Jewish law is in a teshuvah (a written response to a question of Jewish law) in the archives of the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards (CJLS) of the Conservative movement. This body addresses various issues of Jewish law, interpreting the tradition for contemporary situations using the lenses of both Jewish tradition and the needs of modernity.
The teshuvah is by Rabbi Morris Shapiro, and can be found at http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/teshuvot/docs/19861990/shapiro_cremation.pdf.
While it is not entirely clear that the Torah or Talmud forbids cremation outright, the development of the tradition has made it so that, today, cremation is not permitted in Jewish law. It has become a very strong tradition within Judaism. There is an interesting debate, which Rabbi Shapiro explains in some detail, about why burial itself is so important. Some sources indicate that it is part of a process and series of rituals that helps the deceased atone for sin, while others maintain that burial is considered the most significant way to preserve the dignity of the human being (who is created from the earth, and should return, in a natural way, to the earth).
For me, the prohibition against cremation takes on additional significance in the context of living in a post-Shoah (Holocaust) world. During the Holocaust, millions of Jews were not only murdered, but then cremated. The purpose of cremation was not just as a measure to make the murder more efficient (and to control the health risks), but also as an affront to Jewish tradition. When Jews consider cremation, I often ask them to consider how many Jews were insulted by being cremated against their will, and how we can honor their memory by making a different choice that honors Jewish tradition.
Jews share various reasons why they might choose cremation. Some are concerned about costs, or they don't want to create a "shrine" for people to visit. But the community has ways to assist with any costs involved (and, with pre-planning, these can be minimized or made more manageable), and most families welcome having a place they can go to mourn and feel close to the deceased. Others feel that it is more "environmentally responsible" not to take up space in death. I would argue that the space is minimal, that cemeteries are, in fact, beautiful open green space (which are very hard to then "repurpose" for other development!), and that given some of the other arguments above regarding Jewish tradition and the Shoah, a people that constitutes less than 2% of the American population, and a tiny fraction of the world population in general, can take a little more green space to allow for what we consider to be a dignified burial.
I look forward to your comments!
Jacob
Comments included questions about Cremation and also about Organ Donation. I'll address cremation briefly today, and then talk about organ donation in a post tomorrow.
A good summary about cremation's status in Jewish law is in a teshuvah (a written response to a question of Jewish law) in the archives of the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards (CJLS) of the Conservative movement. This body addresses various issues of Jewish law, interpreting the tradition for contemporary situations using the lenses of both Jewish tradition and the needs of modernity.
The teshuvah is by Rabbi Morris Shapiro, and can be found at http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/teshuvot/docs/19861990/shapiro_cremation.pdf.
While it is not entirely clear that the Torah or Talmud forbids cremation outright, the development of the tradition has made it so that, today, cremation is not permitted in Jewish law. It has become a very strong tradition within Judaism. There is an interesting debate, which Rabbi Shapiro explains in some detail, about why burial itself is so important. Some sources indicate that it is part of a process and series of rituals that helps the deceased atone for sin, while others maintain that burial is considered the most significant way to preserve the dignity of the human being (who is created from the earth, and should return, in a natural way, to the earth).
For me, the prohibition against cremation takes on additional significance in the context of living in a post-Shoah (Holocaust) world. During the Holocaust, millions of Jews were not only murdered, but then cremated. The purpose of cremation was not just as a measure to make the murder more efficient (and to control the health risks), but also as an affront to Jewish tradition. When Jews consider cremation, I often ask them to consider how many Jews were insulted by being cremated against their will, and how we can honor their memory by making a different choice that honors Jewish tradition.
Jews share various reasons why they might choose cremation. Some are concerned about costs, or they don't want to create a "shrine" for people to visit. But the community has ways to assist with any costs involved (and, with pre-planning, these can be minimized or made more manageable), and most families welcome having a place they can go to mourn and feel close to the deceased. Others feel that it is more "environmentally responsible" not to take up space in death. I would argue that the space is minimal, that cemeteries are, in fact, beautiful open green space (which are very hard to then "repurpose" for other development!), and that given some of the other arguments above regarding Jewish tradition and the Shoah, a people that constitutes less than 2% of the American population, and a tiny fraction of the world population in general, can take a little more green space to allow for what we consider to be a dignified burial.
I look forward to your comments!
Jacob
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
More Reflections on Bereavement
While the blog only has 3 "followers" so far, judging by my email inbox, others are "lurking" with their eyes, but not signing up. So I am encouraged at this new effort.
One email correspondent talked about how we can be more welcoming and comforting when we see someone near us in shul stand to recite the mourners Kaddish. It is her custom to notice who is saying Kaddish, and if it is someone she doesn't know, she politely asks (later on, after the service, or at Kiddush) for whom s/he is reciting Kaddish. If it's a recent death, she offers words of condolence; if it's a yahrzheit, she might ask more about the person. Of course, she listens carefully and follows the lead of the mourner, to see if s/he desires longer conversation, or just a brief explanation. And if the person is upset during Kaddish, she might move closer, or stand next to the person, or even just give a small touch on the arm in solidarity and quiet comfort.
It reminds me also that it's interesting that in our congregation (as in many Conservative synagogues) we invite non-mourners to be seated, and only mourners stand to recite the Kaddish. In many congregations (Orthodox, Reform, and some Conservative), everyone stands for the Kaddish (mourners recite it, while non-mourners simply respond appropriately).
In my own reading of halakhah (Jewish law), it is of course always appropriate for mourners to stand, but, for non-mourners, either is appropriate. It is a matter of personal or community custom. In a way, it seems the act of faith (and the required personal strength or even courage) in the act of reciting Kaddish is that much greater because the person stands while others are seated. And it means all of us know who is saying kaddish -- giving us the opportunity also to offer words of comfort, or ask the person more about why/for whom s/he is saying Kaddish.
On the other hand, I often wonder if mourners wouldn't appreciate the solidarity of having everyone stand with them. Is the loneliness of mourning magnified when one stands by oneself? As the "rabbi," I am always standing, so I'm curious about the experiences others have had.
Looking forward to your reflections, and will provide more of my own tomorrow...
Jacob
One email correspondent talked about how we can be more welcoming and comforting when we see someone near us in shul stand to recite the mourners Kaddish. It is her custom to notice who is saying Kaddish, and if it is someone she doesn't know, she politely asks (later on, after the service, or at Kiddush) for whom s/he is reciting Kaddish. If it's a recent death, she offers words of condolence; if it's a yahrzheit, she might ask more about the person. Of course, she listens carefully and follows the lead of the mourner, to see if s/he desires longer conversation, or just a brief explanation. And if the person is upset during Kaddish, she might move closer, or stand next to the person, or even just give a small touch on the arm in solidarity and quiet comfort.
It reminds me also that it's interesting that in our congregation (as in many Conservative synagogues) we invite non-mourners to be seated, and only mourners stand to recite the Kaddish. In many congregations (Orthodox, Reform, and some Conservative), everyone stands for the Kaddish (mourners recite it, while non-mourners simply respond appropriately).
In my own reading of halakhah (Jewish law), it is of course always appropriate for mourners to stand, but, for non-mourners, either is appropriate. It is a matter of personal or community custom. In a way, it seems the act of faith (and the required personal strength or even courage) in the act of reciting Kaddish is that much greater because the person stands while others are seated. And it means all of us know who is saying kaddish -- giving us the opportunity also to offer words of comfort, or ask the person more about why/for whom s/he is saying Kaddish.
On the other hand, I often wonder if mourners wouldn't appreciate the solidarity of having everyone stand with them. Is the loneliness of mourning magnified when one stands by oneself? As the "rabbi," I am always standing, so I'm curious about the experiences others have had.
Looking forward to your reflections, and will provide more of my own tomorrow...
Jacob
Monday, June 29, 2009
Introduction -- Bereavement
About a week ago, Shaare Torah sent out its first edition of our Madrikh L'Aveilut -- Bereavement Guide. It was the latest in a series of steps to emphasize and strengthen our community's efforts to support families after the death of a loved one. Our bereavement committee felt that one of the most important things we need to do is to educate our members and friends about Jewish practices surrounding mourning, grief, and bereavement.
As a followup to distributing this important guide, we thought it would be interesting to experiment with a new way to follow up, including this "blog." This is an opportunity to provide feedback on the guide, to tell me (and others who log in) what you found most interesting, to relate the information to your own experiences as a mourner, and to ask me (and one another) questions about Jewish bereavement practices.
So I hope you will take us up on the offer! If this blog is successful, we'll see about integrating this form of education in other ways.
So I'll start off by asking for responses about two things:
1. Was there something in the guide that you did not know before? Did anything surprise you?
2. What questions did it raise -- is there something you are not sure you would do in accordance with these practices, or something you don't find particularly meaningful, but wish you did?
I'll look forward to your response.
Rabbi Jacob
As a followup to distributing this important guide, we thought it would be interesting to experiment with a new way to follow up, including this "blog." This is an opportunity to provide feedback on the guide, to tell me (and others who log in) what you found most interesting, to relate the information to your own experiences as a mourner, and to ask me (and one another) questions about Jewish bereavement practices.
So I hope you will take us up on the offer! If this blog is successful, we'll see about integrating this form of education in other ways.
So I'll start off by asking for responses about two things:
1. Was there something in the guide that you did not know before? Did anything surprise you?
2. What questions did it raise -- is there something you are not sure you would do in accordance with these practices, or something you don't find particularly meaningful, but wish you did?
I'll look forward to your response.
Rabbi Jacob
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