More Reflections on Bereavement

While the blog only has 3 "followers" so far, judging by my email inbox, others are "lurking" with their eyes, but not signing up. So I am encouraged at this new effort.

One email correspondent talked about how we can be more welcoming and comforting when we see someone near us in shul stand to recite the mourners Kaddish. It is her custom to notice who is saying Kaddish, and if it is someone she doesn't know, she politely asks (later on, after the service, or at Kiddush) for whom s/he is reciting Kaddish. If it's a recent death, she offers words of condolence; if it's a yahrzheit, she might ask more about the person. Of course, she listens carefully and follows the lead of the mourner, to see if s/he desires longer conversation, or just a brief explanation. And if the person is upset during Kaddish, she might move closer, or stand next to the person, or even just give a small touch on the arm in solidarity and quiet comfort.

It reminds me also that it's interesting that in our congregation (as in many Conservative synagogues) we invite non-mourners to be seated, and only mourners stand to recite the Kaddish. In many congregations (Orthodox, Reform, and some Conservative), everyone stands for the Kaddish (mourners recite it, while non-mourners simply respond appropriately).

In my own reading of halakhah (Jewish law), it is of course always appropriate for mourners to stand, but, for non-mourners, either is appropriate. It is a matter of personal or community custom. In a way, it seems the act of faith (and the required personal strength or even courage) in the act of reciting Kaddish is that much greater because the person stands while others are seated. And it means all of us know who is saying kaddish -- giving us the opportunity also to offer words of comfort, or ask the person more about why/for whom s/he is saying Kaddish.

On the other hand, I often wonder if mourners wouldn't appreciate the solidarity of having everyone stand with them. Is the loneliness of mourning magnified when one stands by oneself? As the "rabbi," I am always standing, so I'm curious about the experiences others have had.

Looking forward to your reflections, and will provide more of my own tomorrow...

Jacob

Introduction -- Bereavement

About a week ago, Shaare Torah sent out its first edition of our Madrikh L'Aveilut -- Bereavement Guide. It was the latest in a series of steps to emphasize and strengthen our community's efforts to support families after the death of a loved one. Our bereavement committee felt that one of the most important things we need to do is to educate our members and friends about Jewish practices surrounding mourning, grief, and bereavement.

As a followup to distributing this important guide, we thought it would be interesting to experiment with a new way to follow up, including this "blog." This is an opportunity to provide feedback on the guide, to tell me (and others who log in) what you found most interesting, to relate the information to your own experiences as a mourner, and to ask me (and one another) questions about Jewish bereavement practices.

So I hope you will take us up on the offer! If this blog is successful, we'll see about integrating this form of education in other ways.

So I'll start off by asking for responses about two things:

1. Was there something in the guide that you did not know before? Did anything surprise you?
2. What questions did it raise -- is there something you are not sure you would do in accordance with these practices, or something you don't find particularly meaningful, but wish you did?

I'll look forward to your response.

Rabbi Jacob