A Word About Kids

A reader commented off line, asking about the framework within Judaism for children to grieve.

The tradition does not hold children (those younger than bar/bat mitzvah age) responsible for observing the mitzvot surrounding the mourning process. Of course children often participate along with adults, attending the funeral (if they are of an appropriate age and it is emotionally appropriate), being at the shiva home, etc.

It is also important for children to have meaningful ways to express their own grief. I try to see if they have questions, and provide answers at the appropriate level. Often times, children will ask questions to their parents, and those get passed along to me as the rabbi. Developmentally, children have varying capacities to understand death. Young children, for example, wonder how the person can "breathe" if they are in a coffin in the earth. Slightly older children may still have trouble understanding the permanent nature of death, and may persist in asking when their loved one will come back.

Of course, children are most concerned when they hear of someone who died, wondering if a parent or other loved one could die too. It's important to speak the truth, but in a way that is appropriate for each age. For example, when a relatively young person dies (say someone the same age as the child's parents, or a friend at school), I remind young children that while this does happen, it is very unusual. While no one can make promises, we should go forward without expecting that something terrible will happen, since almost always everyone stays fine.

There are some very good books available for helping to explain death. One I particularly like to use is by Rabbi Mindy Portnoy called "Where do People Go When They Die?"

There is certainly much more to say about this topic, and I'd invite others to share their thoughts and questions.

Jacob